affordance perception is fascinating! Whenever I look at pictures of massive fancy homes, I always look at all those windows and think - who's going to clean them?
I told someone this and they said, well you pay someone to do it...
Orrrr by a guy who has a company making money cleaning rich people's windows... but perhaps doesn't notice his own could afford a clean, because there's someone else taking care of his home? 🤔
Big differences in who labours for money, and who for free, for the same kind of tasks, isn't it.
Affordance theory also explains why so many men over-estimate how fairly split household tasks are – they're not just "gaslighting", they literally don't register tasks as "needing" to be done.
The programming is so deep that we can't even see it. However, there is a part of me that thinks- I don't want to be surrounded by mess and unfinished things, even if I could let it all go and relax.
Excellent. I’ve been speaking with my daughter about this very thing. How her husband gets to focus on just his job and the rest of life, two kids and all the rest, falls in her and she’s feeling the weight of it, and beginning to buckle. Like so many, she’s addicted to how much she can accomplish in a day.
I find this energy in me also, and did something about it. I stopped! I stopped letting the push to have a purpose rule my life.
I began to understand deep inside of me that if I truly did have a purpose that it would not come through a nervous system wired to juggle 25 things at a time. That if I did have a purpose, it would come through a calm and healthy, at peace nervous system.
This force, this programming is in us…as an unquestionable way of being and I’m so grateful you are addressing it in all the ways that you are.
I’m 62, and I’m done with being driven by it. I mean, someone needs to watch the flowers grow, the river flow, and have absolutely nowhere to go. ☺️
When I first started primary teaching in 1982 this was how infant and junior schools worked. The teachers taught what they wanted, how they wanted to (funnily enough we all wanted children to be able to read and write and do maths). It was such a joyful,creative job. The Heads I worked for trusted us, and only intervened if there was a problem. They wanted to know what we were doing but not in micro detail- I did a topic web and broad outlines at the start of every half term, but if a child brought in something interesting, we changed our plans and followed their interests. Schools were happy, generally relaxed places where children thrived. My first job was in a very deprived area of Birmingham, so it wasn’t a privileged job! I’m just about to retire as a supply teacher. Schools are at the moment full of highly stressed children and extremely fraught teachers. Everyone is micromanaged, every lesson is totally planned to the smallest detail, and children are tested constantly.I really hope this Dutch way of working becomes the norm and spreads to education in the U K !
Loved this piece, Rachel. I’m the same age as you, and I remember how every job interview used to include that inevitable multitasking question.
It was basically expected that you had to be great at it. And now we know from all the data that multitasking actually makes us less effective.
I feel like so much of my adult life has been about unlearning the bad advice, warped expectations, and misinformation we absorbed in our childhood and early careers.
Fascinating. I have just come back from a five-day silent retreat. I am functioning at completely different, and gentle pace, with all urgency removed. I am listening to my gut and doing what feels right rather than what is on my to-do list. And things that have been undone and piling up for months, are being noticed and resolved. My space feels calmer and clearer. I’m getting some great ideas
about how to make life simpler. And I am just feeling… Free. Like individual Buurtzorg. 😄
I have been “practicing” slowing down for about 5 years now. I am still practicing, every day. I feel more joy, and more pain at times. Ultimately I am present to the gift of life. And, as women, we need to “love this forward” - to our daughters and to others.
it actually physically hurt to read some of this because of how much it resonates. the goal is great: let go, feel better - not even a novel suggestion! something my inner thoughts have been desperately screaming for years. but it's not so easy.
The example of the nurses makes it seem easy but at the end of the day i'd say the whole reason that "experiment" worked the way it did was because the majority (if not all? doesnt say) of the nurses were women (in other words, perfect for the job because of their conditioning) and even though the hospital may have limited management the nurses managed themselves.
kind of starts to compare oranges to cherries when you go from limited management in a business environment to un-programming centuries of conditioned mental/emotional management. it's easy to say to employees, ok hey. i'd like for you to show up to work and do the work you deem appropriate for us to be a successful business - completely other thing to say to oneself, ok we are going to just focus on My Authentic Needs. We don't even know what those are!
For people who are really Burntout and already treading water on a daily basis, it basically requires a complete mental breakdown followed by months of rebuilding and that's not exactly an appealing resolution. especially to people who are living paycheck to paycheck.
I basically had this complete breakdown about 9 months ago. Couldn’t get out of bed for months and months. That forced me address this issue that the article discusses, as well as many others in my life. I’m still putting myself back together, but I wouldn’t go back to the way I was before for anything.
I was really hoping to receive an acknowledgement or even some kind of encouraging response. You've responded to several other comments but have ignored this one. I hadn't meant to come off as critical, what I wanted was to open discussion- this is exactly the type of medicine we need: practical small steps to take to make actual progress. Unfortunately it's kind of feeling like your silence is an admission of classism at best and straight up uncaring hypocrisy at worst. Isn't this blog supposed to be about empowerment?
I was forced to slow down last summer when I fell and hit my head on concrete— now I have a life I actually can breathe into. I don’t chase clients, I work three hours a day, I enjoy the woods and sun when it shines. Like right now. Reading people’s important posts here and connecting with the author’s energetic gifts. We all need to slow down to learn about what matters most. Connection? Intimacy? Healing? I think so- let’s allow ourselves to choose a whole new way to work. Hearts first.
This is the best and most important article I have read in the last 10 years. Thank you for giving voice to why I feel such frustration and burnout with two jobs, a child, a house, a perimenopausal body to take care of, an ageing parent, etc etc etc.
In this “age of technological complexity, bombarded with information, complex strategies, complex software and platforms” I am extremely grateful it provides me a way to read your Musings.
This one feels supportive and confirms my present view of life 😉
A great read. Every single point resonates for me. And all the multitasking (job, kids, home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering) leaves scars. I have deliberately slowed down, simplified and turned to things that give joy and allow me to be present.
Such a great article! That anxious little girl used to be me running the show but at 65 I’ve finally let the gentler, more compassionate wiser higher self take the lead when it comes to how I work (and I am still working — as a full time writer; that will never change, although with more financial ease, it will morph into only the writing I wish to do, not business copywriting that pays the bills). I will bookmark this wonderfully researched and helpful piece and share with the women I know who could benefit . I am glad Ros Barber highlighted this on Notes so so could find you.
Wow! Thank you for this article. You made it real-all those things that we feel, try to ignore, and yet know intuitively that we can change to ameliorate our lives, and the lives we touch.
affordance perception is fascinating! Whenever I look at pictures of massive fancy homes, I always look at all those windows and think - who's going to clean them?
I told someone this and they said, well you pay someone to do it...
Like who? Another woman??
Orrrr by a guy who has a company making money cleaning rich people's windows... but perhaps doesn't notice his own could afford a clean, because there's someone else taking care of his home? 🤔
Big differences in who labours for money, and who for free, for the same kind of tasks, isn't it.
Affordance theory also explains why so many men over-estimate how fairly split household tasks are – they're not just "gaslighting", they literally don't register tasks as "needing" to be done.
That's not to let them off the hook - more here: https://phys.org/news/2022-12-men-domestic-tasks-women-philosophers.html
Haha yes, another woman. And if some guy has a window cleaning service you pay him more.
Not that I disagree with the sentiment at all, but I feel the need to tell you our windows are cleaned by a self employed young man!!
I met a writer last year who sustained his writing career with a thriving window cleaning business. Tis all honourable work.
Same…except I think, “who’s going to clean all the toilets” lol
Yeah. A dumb low status one.
The programming is so deep that we can't even see it. However, there is a part of me that thinks- I don't want to be surrounded by mess and unfinished things, even if I could let it all go and relax.
I know, I know – I feel it too!
And I think that's a sign of how deeply we're conditioned to "clean up all the mess".
However – maybe this is where simplification comes in as a principle...?
Get rid of the things. Focus on one or 2 projects at a time.
What do you reckon.... 🤔
Yes - simplify and prioritise. I agree, Rachel. Now, let’s see how I can implement…;)
Excellent. I’ve been speaking with my daughter about this very thing. How her husband gets to focus on just his job and the rest of life, two kids and all the rest, falls in her and she’s feeling the weight of it, and beginning to buckle. Like so many, she’s addicted to how much she can accomplish in a day.
I find this energy in me also, and did something about it. I stopped! I stopped letting the push to have a purpose rule my life.
I began to understand deep inside of me that if I truly did have a purpose that it would not come through a nervous system wired to juggle 25 things at a time. That if I did have a purpose, it would come through a calm and healthy, at peace nervous system.
This force, this programming is in us…as an unquestionable way of being and I’m so grateful you are addressing it in all the ways that you are.
I’m 62, and I’m done with being driven by it. I mean, someone needs to watch the flowers grow, the river flow, and have absolutely nowhere to go. ☺️
When I first started primary teaching in 1982 this was how infant and junior schools worked. The teachers taught what they wanted, how they wanted to (funnily enough we all wanted children to be able to read and write and do maths). It was such a joyful,creative job. The Heads I worked for trusted us, and only intervened if there was a problem. They wanted to know what we were doing but not in micro detail- I did a topic web and broad outlines at the start of every half term, but if a child brought in something interesting, we changed our plans and followed their interests. Schools were happy, generally relaxed places where children thrived. My first job was in a very deprived area of Birmingham, so it wasn’t a privileged job! I’m just about to retire as a supply teacher. Schools are at the moment full of highly stressed children and extremely fraught teachers. Everyone is micromanaged, every lesson is totally planned to the smallest detail, and children are tested constantly.I really hope this Dutch way of working becomes the norm and spreads to education in the U K !
Loved this piece, Rachel. I’m the same age as you, and I remember how every job interview used to include that inevitable multitasking question.
It was basically expected that you had to be great at it. And now we know from all the data that multitasking actually makes us less effective.
I feel like so much of my adult life has been about unlearning the bad advice, warped expectations, and misinformation we absorbed in our childhood and early careers.
Fascinating. I have just come back from a five-day silent retreat. I am functioning at completely different, and gentle pace, with all urgency removed. I am listening to my gut and doing what feels right rather than what is on my to-do list. And things that have been undone and piling up for months, are being noticed and resolved. My space feels calmer and clearer. I’m getting some great ideas
about how to make life simpler. And I am just feeling… Free. Like individual Buurtzorg. 😄
I have been “practicing” slowing down for about 5 years now. I am still practicing, every day. I feel more joy, and more pain at times. Ultimately I am present to the gift of life. And, as women, we need to “love this forward” - to our daughters and to others.
it actually physically hurt to read some of this because of how much it resonates. the goal is great: let go, feel better - not even a novel suggestion! something my inner thoughts have been desperately screaming for years. but it's not so easy.
The example of the nurses makes it seem easy but at the end of the day i'd say the whole reason that "experiment" worked the way it did was because the majority (if not all? doesnt say) of the nurses were women (in other words, perfect for the job because of their conditioning) and even though the hospital may have limited management the nurses managed themselves.
kind of starts to compare oranges to cherries when you go from limited management in a business environment to un-programming centuries of conditioned mental/emotional management. it's easy to say to employees, ok hey. i'd like for you to show up to work and do the work you deem appropriate for us to be a successful business - completely other thing to say to oneself, ok we are going to just focus on My Authentic Needs. We don't even know what those are!
For people who are really Burntout and already treading water on a daily basis, it basically requires a complete mental breakdown followed by months of rebuilding and that's not exactly an appealing resolution. especially to people who are living paycheck to paycheck.
I basically had this complete breakdown about 9 months ago. Couldn’t get out of bed for months and months. That forced me address this issue that the article discusses, as well as many others in my life. I’m still putting myself back together, but I wouldn’t go back to the way I was before for anything.
I was really hoping to receive an acknowledgement or even some kind of encouraging response. You've responded to several other comments but have ignored this one. I hadn't meant to come off as critical, what I wanted was to open discussion- this is exactly the type of medicine we need: practical small steps to take to make actual progress. Unfortunately it's kind of feeling like your silence is an admission of classism at best and straight up uncaring hypocrisy at worst. Isn't this blog supposed to be about empowerment?
I emphatically agreed with every single point until I was asked if I could leave the crumbs on the counter… 🤣😅😱
I was forced to slow down last summer when I fell and hit my head on concrete— now I have a life I actually can breathe into. I don’t chase clients, I work three hours a day, I enjoy the woods and sun when it shines. Like right now. Reading people’s important posts here and connecting with the author’s energetic gifts. We all need to slow down to learn about what matters most. Connection? Intimacy? Healing? I think so- let’s allow ourselves to choose a whole new way to work. Hearts first.
Yes to all of this!
3 hours work a day and enjoying life is where it’s at 🎯
This is the best and most important article I have read in the last 10 years. Thank you for giving voice to why I feel such frustration and burnout with two jobs, a child, a house, a perimenopausal body to take care of, an ageing parent, etc etc etc.
In this “age of technological complexity, bombarded with information, complex strategies, complex software and platforms” I am extremely grateful it provides me a way to read your Musings.
This one feels supportive and confirms my present view of life 😉
A great read. Every single point resonates for me. And all the multitasking (job, kids, home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering) leaves scars. I have deliberately slowed down, simplified and turned to things that give joy and allow me to be present.
Such a great article! That anxious little girl used to be me running the show but at 65 I’ve finally let the gentler, more compassionate wiser higher self take the lead when it comes to how I work (and I am still working — as a full time writer; that will never change, although with more financial ease, it will morph into only the writing I wish to do, not business copywriting that pays the bills). I will bookmark this wonderfully researched and helpful piece and share with the women I know who could benefit . I am glad Ros Barber highlighted this on Notes so so could find you.
Loved this! And, perhaps one of the wonderful things about getting older is allowing those 'must do' things to drop off my list ...
The space left is luxurious 😍
I get that. Good point Rachel. Much of the resistance is within us.
Wow! Thank you for this article. You made it real-all those things that we feel, try to ignore, and yet know intuitively that we can change to ameliorate our lives, and the lives we touch.
Thanks @Brenda Story I appreciate your feedback 💚
Not saying any of this is easy - it’s a deep, deep rewiring.
But we can choose it, and commit to doing it differently!