4 hidden patterns that keep brilliant women stuck

And the medicine we need to break free from them for good

I watch her twist her wedding ring as she tries to keep a lid on the emotional turmoil.

"I'm drowning, AGAIN," she says. "Trying to launch this business is proving utterly impossible when I'm juggling two kids AND aging parents. My partner insists his work is the 'real priority,' so every time the kids get sick or there’s a school event, it’s on me. I'm dropping balls absolutely everywhere."

She looks away. "Sometimes I wonder if I should crawl back to corporate. At least then I had a pension and insurance. But it's just too unbearable to even contemplate..."

After 18 years of coaching women between us, Naz and I have heard this story countless times in different variations.

Brilliant women hitting the same invisible walls that men simply don't face.

The system isn't broken. It's functioning exactly as designed.

Let me tell you something that took me decades to fully understand:

The game is rigged against us. Always was, always will be.

Here are just a few examples from my own life of how the system will always keep us struggling:

• When real issues are dismissed as "all in your head": I didn't realise until my late 40s that I have ADHD. At university, then at work, then as a mother, I kept experiencing unexplained burnout and crashes. I'd slip through the cracks, push through, then collapse again. This cycle repeated for decades because all the diagnostic criteria were based on studies of boys. The system literally couldn't see me - or the millions of other women whose neurodivergence presents differently from men's. We're told we're just anxious, not trying hard enough, or need better time management skills, when the reality is our brains are wired differently.

• When your contributions are invisible but his are "objectively valuable": During my agency career, my male colleague and I had identical titles and theoretically the same role. I focused on recruitment, developing team members, defining departmental strategy, and how we worked with the rest of the business. He specialised in hallway conversations, taking people to lunch, and office politics. We had a natural division of labour that worked well for the team, but when bonus time came around, his was always double mine. The system recognises and rewards traditionally masculine approaches to work - visibility, self-promotion, and networking - while the 'soft' labour of looking after people and developing their potential is undervalued, despite being essential to any organisation's success.

• When having children and looking after them is seen as having a “holiday”: When COVID hit, my business collapsed alongside my relationship. My ex-partner told me all financial responsibilities were now my "turn" since I'd taken "time off" to have the kids. Five years later, I'm still untangling the mess. The most revealing part is how genuinely upset he is about how hard it is to run his business while having to look after his own kids 50% of the time. He complains to me about this without ever seeming to clock that I'm in exactly the same situation (I don't get any financial support from him).

This is why women are uniquely qualified to imagine better ways of working and living:

We can see the matrix because we have to navigate it. Every. Single. Bloody. Day.

Men like my ex-partner can be completely blind to the system that privileges them - he was implicitly promised a world where he'd never have to juggle business and childcare equally, and he feels genuinely aggrieved and victimised now that he has to.

Here's what I've learned: there is zero point trying to fix broken systems that were designed without you in mind.

Instead, we need to build something new.

There’s just one tiny little problem, though…

The hardest pill to swallow: the system lives within us

When Naz and I left our corporate careers, we made the same mistake countless women make.

We recreated smaller versions of the broken systems we'd escaped.

We became strategy and PR consultants, grinding away with longer hours, less security, and the same soul-crushing approach to work. We bought into the world of hustle culture and tied our worth to productivity.

It took us absolutely ages to work out what we actually wanted to do and were passionate about, because we'd been conditioned to be completely detached from our own needs, desires, and natural talents.

The system had taught us that work has to be hard.

That it's not meant to make your heart sing or feel easy.

That our worth comes from struggle, not joy.

And as women, we're expected to hustle even harder while being paid even less. One of my biggest frustrations as a freelancer was how often clients would ask to "pick my brain" or expect me to work for free - as if my business was a cute hobby rather than how I paid my bills. Men rarely face the same expectation to give away their expertise for nothing.

Our epiphany was uncomfortable but revolutionary:

The system doesn't just surround us. It lives inside us.

The four ways we sabotage ourselves

After working with hundreds of women, we've identified four archetypal patterns that live inside us, holding us back.

There may be one of these that you most strongly identify with – but many of us will experience most of them in different situations and contexts:

Image: Women are the Medicine

The Rock – hugely capable, she takes on impossible workloads, running herself into the ground because her worth is tied to productivity. She's perpetually exhausted from spinning all the plates perfectly, and fears slowing down or losing control will mean failure.

The Understudy – doesn't take herself, her needs, or her vision seriously. She's been trained to see herself as a supporting character in other people's stories. Even when she has her own dreams, the minute somebody else has a problem, she's compelled to abandon her path and help them. She keeps getting pulled off track, sorting out others' issues rather than focusing on her own vision.

The Chameleon – has been rewarded for being what others want her to be. She plays different roles with different people, adapting constantly. She's incredibly flexible, but after years of shape-shifting to meet external expectations, she's lost connection with who she truly is. She struggles to identify what she actually wants or cares about, making it nearly impossible to show up authentically or be truly visible.

The Impostor – often a perfectionist who achieves at high levels but is driven by anxiety that she's not good enough, not prepared enough, not ready. She's terrified of being "caught out," so she works herself to exhaustion, held hostage by unrelenting internal critics. She might avoid pursuing what really matters to her because of the fear it will go wrong.

We are each of course unique, but these patterns are extremely common – because the system rewards these behaviours in girls from birth.

Our natural neuroplasticity means we're literally wired to repeat what we're 'stroked' for as children - whether that's being helpful, being capable, being perfect or putting others first.

These archetypes are how the system lives within us, and holds us back.

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We'd love to know: Do you recognise any of these four patterns in yourself?

Which one hits closest to home for you?

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What's happening on Substack right now

There's something interesting happening in this space.

Women from all backgrounds and fields are creating their own platforms on Substack, building communities and finding their people. And others are discovering, reading, connecting, and joining these communities - participating in networks that operate differently from traditional spaces.

What's emerging is a different kind of ecosystem - one where people are connecting directly, sharing ideas, buidling businesses and creating networks based on genuine value.

But there's a warning here, too: many of us are unconsciously recreating the same toxic patterns we escaped from.

We’re still pushing ourselves to exhaustion, not asking for support, and feeling we need to do it all alone.

I know this because I've been there. Naz has too. And so many of our clients.

And that's exactly why we created Women are the Medicine.

The three medicines that visionary women need

Image: Women are the Medicine

Here's what we've learned after working with hundreds of women: you'll never build something that truly works for you until you support it in this order:

1. Be medicine for yourself first

The system lives inside you. It's wired into your brain - The Rock who does it all, The Understudy who puts everyone else first, The Impostor who never feels ready, The Chameleon who's lost herself.

You'll never create the impact or business you want without rewiring this internal bullshit first.

It's about unlearning the patterns that keep you stuck in cycles of overwork, people-pleasing, and second-guessing yourself.

2. We also need to be medicine for each other

When we're drowning in to-do lists, family responsibilities, and the mental load of running everything, we think asking for help makes us a burden. We've been trained to shut up, isolate, and not be a "nuisance."

But here's what changes everything: getting together with other women who are building something new:

• Suddenly you realise those "personal failings" aren't personal at all. We all share them

• The relief of seeing yourself reflected in others, and feeling supported by others, is truly powerful medicine

Instead of struggling alone, we pool resources, insights, and support. We stop competing for scraps and start collaborating for abundance.

3. Only then can we bring our full medicine to the world

Only when you pay attention to the first two areas can you truly bring your gifts forward in the way you dream of.

It's not about what you're doing - it's about how you're doing it:

• Are you working with the system living inside you, keeping you small?

• Or are you building something that genuinely works for your life?

This means questioning everything we take for granted. Why should work happen between 9-5? Why sell our time when we could create valuable assets? Why accept burnout as inevitable, rather than build rest into our days?

It's about imagining something that truly works for us instead of replicating the same broken system at a smaller scale.

This isn’t just about coming up with a few new rules - it’s imagining and building a whole different game.

One that we actually enjoy playing.

The takeaway: here's what matters most

The world needs what only you can create.

But you won't build it by recreating the same systems that have kept women stuck for generations.

Start by rewiring the patterns living inside you.

Find your people who will support your vision, not compete with it.

Then build something that works on your terms.

That's how we’ll create real change - not by fixing what's broken, but by building what's missing.

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Join us in building something better

This Substack is our laboratory for discovering what actually works.

We're pooling insights and supporting each other's growth rather than struggling alone.

As a paid member (£20/month or £150/year), you'll get:

• Monthly community circles and coaching conversations with Naz and me

• Subscriber-only posts that help you scale your impact without burnout

• A community of women building better ways to live and work

• Full archive access, bonus sessions, and event invites

For those wanting more personalised support, our Founding Member tier (£300/year) includes all the above plus an in-depth 60-minute coaching session with one of us.

Ready to stop recreating broken systems and start building something that actually works for you?

Join us today: